The anger is ever present and lingers beneath the surface
It was cold. The rains had started soon as it was dusk. While there was no breeze, the air felt heavy.
The power had been out for a while now. And in the distance, the faint whirring of a generator.
He lit a cigarette, dragged deeply and exhaled a large cloud.
5th one in the last quarter of an hour.
‘I’m chainsmoking again’. It was a bitter thought.
For month’s he’d been trying to quit. Years in fact.
Yet each success story hadn’t been more than a day long, when the withdrawal symptoms pulled him back down.
He felt bitter. It wasnt just the constant craving of nicotine that was dragging him down.
The job he’d just secured was good. Perfect in fact. After the last stint he’d had it was a welcome change from the ever endured stress and weight of expectation.
That he’d begun working out again was a good sign of his health getting back on track (aside from the cigarettes that is.)
He was frustrated though. And only three nights ago had his rage manifested itself in an unsavoury way that he knew his brittle reputation had taken a hit.
He spat. And his forehead creased.
Another failed relationship.
“That’s four in a row” he sneered. “Four”
And each one ending worse than the one before it.
Oh he knew it was him to be blamed. The constant need for attention. The want of continued affection.
He glanced at his phone, at the message he had sent off.
“I needed you to be proud of me, I needed your acceptance, and got nothing but shame”
There was no response. Not that he expected one.
They’d argued tonight. They’d argued today. Two days ago. The weekend gone by. Last week.
The few years they’d known each other had had the occasional “I miss you”, and kisses shared.
But they were few and far between and dominated by skirmishes.
The last argument had been over – “shit, I can’t even remember” he muttered.
He wanted to leave. But needed her. She wanted to go. But stayed.
They were attracted to each other. Castor and Pollux in the northern skies.
The intimacy in their relationship had fizzled. That angered him too. He hated it. And felt trapped.
She’d hinted more than once that perhaps an open relationship was better.
They’d argued after he’d taken the first steps on that.
He had felt betrayed, when she called him a liar and cheat for it.
This was what you wanted! He screamed silently.
“This I will always lose” the bitterness and self hate returning.
It overwhelmed him a moment and he sat.
He spat again. Reached back into his pocket and pulled out another cigarette.